Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the earth, the Holy Bible famously says.
Blessed are women with big butts, for they shall inherit the earth in the 21st century, says the Bible of the Adonitology religion.
The what? You ask as you choke on your Baba Ghanoush.
Welcome to Adonitology, a religion for women with big butts in which the supreme mother goddess is – you guessed it right – a woman with a supremely big butt.
But why, you might ask, as a reader of Heritagepedia,, do you need to know this information? Religion is an inalienable part of human existence. It has been constantly evolving ever since we began living in primitive societies, and the Church of Adonitology, with all its absurdities and oddities, is its newest mutation. For this reason alone, it deserves your attention, dear reader.
What is Adonitology?
Adonitology is, as the name suggests, the worship of Adonis. Only the Adonis in this case is not the Adonis of Greek mythology, but a modern-day man who identifies himself only with the rather grandiose name of His Imperial Majesty King Adonis the First.
The central beliefs of the Adonitology religion are contained in a 200-page Bible of the Adonitology Religion called the The Book of Adonitology: The Sacred Pentadon of the Adonitology Religion.
The book is available on Amazon, and if the description on the blurb is to be believed, it is “one of the most influential books in the history of literature” and “recognized as a literary masterpiece.”
We’ll let you be the judge of all that. The kindle edition costs only 5 bucks, soo go ahead, find out for yourself. We must admit though that the cover featuring a woman with a, …ahem…rather big butt certainly seems to promise adventures of the Tolkienes-que kind with a lot of big booty thrown in.
The Religion Where You Worship Butts?
Contrary to popular internet wisdom, Adonitology does not exactly worship women with big butts. It does however elevate the female posterior to a divine status.
“In Adonitology”, the Book of Adonitology says, “we consider the backside of the woman to be divine.”
While there is a pronounced difference between the merely divine and the all-empossaing, all-engulfing creator who is the object of worship in most religions, the Adonitology religion certainly takes its obsession with female butts to rather unusual levels.
For instance, the holy trinity of the Adonitology religion consists of three sacred figures – King Adonis the First – who is also the holy father and the founder of the religion ( more on him in a moment), the holy spirit called Issa Elohim, and the curvaceous mother-goddess, referred to as a the Callipygian Mother.
The official tagline of the Church of Adonitology is “a religion for callipygian women.”
Additionally, one of the stated aims of the Adonitology religion is the “spiritual and sexual liberation of women with curves”.
Why would women with curves need liberation, you ask?
According to the Church of Adonitology, women with curves are told by society to cover up their bodies and hide their curves. So, the Church of Adonitology offers women with curves, but especially women with big butts – or callipygian women, to use the religion’s preferred taxonomy – a space where they can be their curvy selves.
Well, that’s not all that bad then. In fact, that’s a cause we could all lend a helping hand to.
But what on earth is callipygian, and is it even a real word?
What Does Callipygian Mean?
Yes, callipygian is indeed a real word. In fact, it is a word of considerable antiquity, borrowed from classical Greek sculpture, and testifying to the unusually high intelligence of the religion’s founder.
In ancient Greek callipygian was used to mean a woman with a rounded, well shaped derriere. Connoisseurs of Greek history and art would be familiar with the goddess of love, Aphrodite, known also by her full name Aphrodite Kallipygos, or Aphrodite of the shapely bottom. Aphrodite was known to the Romans as Venus. One of the best known Roman statues is that of Venus Callipygos, which depicts the goddess lifting her dress up to reveal her shapely derriere.
It is from such illustrious Greek and Roman precedents of antiquity that the Book of Adonitology liberally borrows the terms callipygian and callipygous to shower praises upon women with large behinds. Sample these immortal gems:
“Blessed is the callipygian woman whose curves are round and full and whose beauty is beyond compare, for she is blessed more than all women of earth.
For the rounder and fuller the callipygian curves, greater the greater riches in this life and heaven she will attain.”
Well, we’re not sure about heaven, but there’s a lot of callipygian women – from Jennifer Lopez to Kim Kardasrshian – who’re attaining great riches in this life. In fact, some women have made a brand out of their callipigyian-ness. For instance, Jasmine Callipygian is a famous adult performer who has adopted Callipygian as her last name to let her admirers know what they can expect from her movies.
.Who is the Founder of Adonitology?
Now for the burning question – who is the founder of Adonitology.
The founder of Adonitology religion is a man who identifies only as His Imperial Majesty King Adonis the First
The name Adonitology comes from Adonis, and the ultimate end of the religion is the worship of Adonis, the founder, himself.
According to the Book of Adonitology, the revelation to unleash this new religion struck His Imperial Majesty King Adonis the First on an evening walk in Phuket, Thailand on January 3rd, 1996. His imperial majesty was visited by the Archangel Elishmael while out on a walk on the beach. The Archangel disseminated to him the message to save all the callipygian, big-bootied women of the world suffering from oppression and repression at the hands of a society obsessed with being thin.
To be fair, the Adonitology religion is not just about big female butts alone. It has a theology and philosophy in place that addresses issues varying from human evolution to the state of science and technology, and provides answers to existential questions.
For instance, The Book of Adonitology weighs in with philosophical insight on some of the most vexing questions facing the world today – such as the reason Kanye West and Kim Kardarshian’s marriage broke down. According to the book, this was due to a misalignment between the spiritual and sexual energy in the marriage. While Kanye became more spiritual, Kim remained confined to the sensual realm.
In short, the old trope of the busy husband and lonely housewife driven to despair.
However, as with most things, His Imperial Majesty King Adonis the First traces the roots of female sensuality in their ample derrieres. As the Book of Adonitology reminds us:
“Oh such is the glory and sensuality of beautiful women whose backside is ample indeed, whose bellies are flat, and whose waist is narrow as the valleys.”
That is some fine poetic use of the English language. However, King Adonis the first does not illuminate us much on the fate of women who, though blessed with ample backsides, have not been fortunate enough to have flat bellies and narrow waists.
But then, one needs to consider that this is still a very young religion.
King Adonis received his revelation from the Archangel Elishmael on a beach in Phuket in 1996. The Book of Adonitology was published only in 2020.
In between the Church of Adonitology had its website but as of the time of writing this piece, that website is not functional. ( though you could always use Wayback Machine and look for adonitology.com)
Little is known about the true identity of His Imperial Majesty King Adonis the First. The website of the Church of Adonitology describes him thus:
“His Imperial Majesty King Adonis I, Founder of The Church of Adonitology™ is a living deity within the 21st century. In the tradition of Attis, Osiris, Allah and Jehovah, King Adonis I reveals to mankind the universal laws and Truth of life which he is to be governed by in this era. His teachings are based on revelations he received from the Angel Elishamel, Jesus Christ and Issa Elohim the Heavenly Mother that have become shining beacons of light throughout human history and the guiding principles necessary for a contemporary person to live in peace, harmony and prosperity”
When all is said and done, the Adonitology religion is one that does claim to teach us to live in peace, harmony, and prosperity. Now that is something this world certainly could use more of.